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SOUTHERN WAYS





The North has coffee houses............

The South has Waffle Houses.


The North has double last names........

The South has double first names.


The North has Indy car races.............

The South has stock car races.


The North has Cream of Wheat.........

The South has grits.


The North has green salads................

The South has greens.


The North has lobsters.......................

The South has catfish and bass.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH............

In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men
in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is
what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals, tanning booths, and bait in
the same store. (Do not buy food at this store.)

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's"
is plural possessive.

"Hire ya momenem gittin' along?" means "How are your mom and the rest of
the family doing?"

Get used to "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to
use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't
understand you either.

The first Southern phrase to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy.. Most
Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of
them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this." you should
stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever
say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store. It doesn't
matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns,
they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful
kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her
heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his
brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 6-lane
highway."

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about
her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her toddler
is just beginning to talk and he has a southern accent. My friend, who
is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs
of hers, was miffed about this. But, after all, this woman had CHOSEN
to move to the South a couple of years ago. Can you believe it?" said
her friend, "A child of mine is going to be 'taaaallllkkin liiiike
thiiiissss."

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North,
bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and
their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten
past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here.
And, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swanee," not swear,
but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't.
And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right
much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is
right funny indeed.

I have a friend from Boston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've
got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She
also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless
her heart, she doesn't even know where "over yonder" is, or what "I
reckon" means!

My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she
can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."

Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:
1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day

Southern girls always say:
1. "Yes, ma'am."
2. "Yes, sir."

Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
1. "Y'all come back now, ya heaah."
2. "Well, bless your heart."
3. "Drop by when you can."
4. "How's your mama?"
5. "Love your hair."

Southern girls know their three R's:
1. Rich
2. Richer
3. Richest

Southern girls know everybody's first name:
1. Honey
2. Darlin'
3. Shugah

Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
1. "Gone With the Wind"
2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
4. "Steel Magnolias"

Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
1. Adlanna
2. Richmon
3. Challston
4. S'vannah
5. Birminham
6. Nawlins'
7. Oh! and that city in Alabama ? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!

Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates

G.R.I.T.S. = Girls Raised in The South!

That Reminds me. I have a rubber stamp that says, "Just because
your children were born in the South does not make them Southerners.
After all, if a cat had kittens in the oven, that wouldn't make them
biscuits."